Torchwood Trekkin
by Dru
Summary: I present to you the crackist crack fic ever cracked. Jack forces everyone to preform a slightly rewritten version of The Firm's Star Trekkin.


Owen took another long swallow of his drink and poured more into his glass. He was still far too sober to be going along with this. "I swear to god I will kill you for this later."

"Jack...do we really have to do this?" Ianto sounded pitiful.

"Yes!"

"Can't we at least take these stupid costumes off?" Gwen whined picking at the front of the red mini dress Jack had forced her to put on.

"No! Now everyone have their music sheets? Good! Music!" Jack clicked a remote the music started playing.

With long suffering sighs everyone started singing. "Torchwood Trekkin' across the universe,On the Starship Torchwood under Captain Harkness.Torchwood Trekkin' across the universe,Only going forward 'cause we can't find reverse."

Jack pointed to Gwen. "PC Cooper, report."

Looking bored and embarrassed Gwen starting singing. "There's Weevils on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;there's Weevils on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jack."

"Analysis, Mr. Jones."

Ianto's eyes promised revenge as he started singing. "It's life, Jack, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it; it's life, Jack, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain."

Between each of their lines they chugged their drinks hoping to get drunk enough to forget they were doing this. Gwen wished she would get drunk faster. "There's Weevils on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;there's Weevils on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jack."

They all picked up together." Torchwood Trekkin' across the universe,On the Starship Torchwood under Captain Harkness.Torchwood Trekkin' across the universe,Only going forward, still can't find reverse."

"Medical update, Dr. Harper."

Owen snarled his lines more then sang them. "It's worse than that, he's dead, Jack, dead, Jack, dead, Jack;it's worse than that, he's dead, Jack, dead, Jack, dead."

"It's life, Jack, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it; it's life, Jack, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain."

"There's Weevils on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;there's Weevils on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jack."

Jack grin was blinding as he got to his part. "Starship Captain, Jack T. Harkness:

Ah! We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill;we come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, men."

"It's worse than that, he's dead, Jack, dead, Jack, dead, Jack;it's worse than that, he's dead, Jack, dead, Jack, dead."

"Well, it's life, Jack, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it; it's life, Jack, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain."

"There's Weevils on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;there's Weevils on the starboard bow, scrape 'em off, Jack."

"Torchwood Trekkin' across the universe,On the Starship Torchwood under Captain Harkness.Torchwood Trekkin' across the universe,Only going forward, and things are getting worse!"

"Engine room, Ms. Sato:"

Tosh wrinkled her nose and badly attempted to do a Scottish accent. "Ye cannae change the laws of physics, laws of physics, laws of physics;ye cannae change the laws of physics, laws of physics, Jack."

"Ah! We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill;we come in peace, shoot to kill; Toshy, beam me up!"

"It's worse than that, he's dead, Jack, dead, Jack, dead, Jack;it's worse than that, he's dead, Jack, dead, Jack, dead."

"Well, it's life, Jack, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it; it's life, Jack, but not as we know it, not as we know it, Captain."

"There's Weevils on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;there's Weevils on the starboard bow, starboard bow Jack!" Gwen did not look at all excited despite the exclamation points on her lyric sheet.

"Ye cannae change the script, och, it's up to you Jacky."

"It's worse than that, it's physics, Jack."

"Bridge to engine room, warp factor 9. "

"Och, if I give it any more she'll blow, Cap'n!" Tosh yawned and downed the rest of her drink.

"Torchwood Trekkin' across the universe,On the Starship Torchwood under Captain Harkness.Torchwood Trekkin' across the universe,Only going forward 'cause we can't find reverse.

Torchwood Trekkin' across the universe,On the Starship Torchwood under Captain Harkness.Torchwood Trekkin' across the universe,Only going forward, still can't find reverse."

Owen threw down the lyric sheet and was already ripping the Starfleet uniform off. "If you ever think of doing this again I will make shooting you in the head look like a fun vacation." He grabbed a bottle of alcohol and stalked off quickly followed by the others.

Jack grinned and bounced already planing the next song he should make them preform. See them mock his lack of TV references again...

The End.


End file.
